A little bit of everything

 
So, life sucks. Or, rather, school sucks. Life is going quite nicely.

Looks like I may have to follow-up on my threat/promise to leave the country, given the results of the election.... We'll see how the next 8 months or so go (till I theoretically graduate).

I voted. Did you?

So....school. I've got an electronics class this term. An upper division Electrical Engineering electronics course. I am not an electrical engineer. I am not very good at electronics. This class is kicking my butt. I'm just hoping I can pass it, so I am permitted to graduate in June. Of course, I may decide to take some more undergraduate classes to round out my education, but I'd like to have the option to graduate in June.

Life, other than school, is going well. I'm working for the Northwest Science Expo, the state science fair for Oregon and southwestern Washington. I'm having fun with the job. It's interesting, creative, and I'm learning Access.

My friend Michelle and I have been spending time together, partially keeping each other on track for homework and such, partially just hanging out, and partially working on stuff around her house, like cleaning the garage and rewiring her bedroom.

My boyfriend and I spend as many weekends together as our mutually busy schedules allow, and we're coming up on our two/four/six year anniversary. All in all, we're happy, and the distance keeps us from wanting to kill each other.

I'm acting as Kingdom Chatelaine (newcomers information and assistance) for the Kingdom of An Tir, a part of the Society for Creative Anachronisms, Inc.. I'm enjoying the position immensely, even with all the paperwork the job entails.

I'm working with a career counsellor at school, looking at what in the world I'm going to do when I'm finally not an undergraduate. Some possibilities include various graduate programs in Physics (education, optics, acoustics) and Mechanical Engineering (fluids and thermodynamics), NASA, and maybe Boeing. I'm also keeping my options open, so if you know of anyone who's hiring Physicists with bachelors degrees, let me know!!

So, send good electronics thoughts my way.


Lady Kat
posted by Katherine at 2:22 AM

 
*sighs* Ever been burnt out?

I've been feeling, well.... off recently, and didn't really have a name to put to it. Then a posting came across a list I'm on, and I had an epiphany. This was EXACTLY how I'd been feeling.

*****Quoted*****

I know when it is me burning out, I just don't feel like doing my commitments anymore, I procrastinate and then feel bad about it.

I don't want anybody to know I'm not doing things properly, so I get kinda secretive and withdrawn.

I don't communicate anymore, and I get kinda irritable if people ask me how something is going, or if I'm ok, or if they offer to help.

I start to wonder if they are only asking because they know I'm screwing up :-)

[snipage]

*****End Quoted*****

Okay. So I've got a name for it. For the skipping classes, for the not doing homework. For not wanting to talk to anyone about school. For feeling guilty, but still procrastinating and avoiding the work.

Now. Anyone know how to FIX it? Sure, stop whatever it is you're doing that burns you out. But I can't. Or at least I feel that I can't. I'm a Physics major, and the courses I need to graduate are offered this year, or not again for two more years. Which means if I want to get on with my life, I have to take them NOW. And I have to take at least 12 credits, or lose my financial aid, which is the only thing keeping me in school right now. In this economy, I doubt I can find a job without a degree (and I'm not even sure I'll be able to find one _with_ a degree).


On top of all that, it's Valentine's Day (or at least it was until about 45 minutes ago). My boyfriend doesn't believe in Valentine's Day, calling it Singles Awareness Day, and scoffing at it. I try to respect that. He called me, he told me he loved me, he'll be coming to see me (I hope) when his car is fixed in a few days. But, ya know, a "Happy Valentine's Day" would have been nice. Or an email. Or...maybe even flowers? Or _something_ acknowledging the holiday. Sure, my mind tries to say "well, maybe he's just planning a surprise for when he sees you." No matter how many times I tell myself that, it never happens. I'm a romantic at heart. I ADORE getting little surprises. I don't know if he understands that. I've tried to tell him, but I don't know if he really gets it.

Well, even if he doesn't believe in it, he _is_ my Valentine. Today, and every day that we have been together. And he's just gonna have to learn to deal with it!!
posted by Katherine at 12:44 AM

 
Hey, all. Warning, this is a rant. I'm feeling shitty right now, and pissy, and this is my way of venting so I don't feel like I ought to be destroying things.

Ever feel taken advantage of? Or taken for granted?

As you probably know if you've read any of my previous posts, I'm head-over-heels in love with my boyfriend, and, for the most part, our relationship is great.

Recently, though, I've been feeling like I'm not a priority in his life. Sure, I hear from him, but only when things are boring or otherwise going badly. If he's got other stuff going on, I'm the last thing on his mind, but if I'm not home when he calls, he gets all antsy like something's wrong. Kinda makes ya feel taken for granted. That I'll be here when he calls, that I'll be happy to see him (which I am) when he comes to visit, and that I'll make time for him. But, if I call, and he's got something else going on, he just keeps on doing whatever he's doing (talking with friends, watching a movie, etc.), and pretty much ignores me on the phone.

Visits. There's another one. I see my boyfriend about once a month, sometimes twice. He generally has three nights off and then he has to go back to work. For this pass, he took some days of leave, so he'd have a long break from his guard deployment. Talked a big talk, like we were gonna spend lots of time together, take a vacation on the coast, go out to a nice dinner with his brother and mom, shoot some pool, and generally have a great time. He got off work Friday morning. I didn't hear from him till about an hour ago (if you're not counting, that's Saturday night). He says "Oh, yeah, I'll be up sometime tomorrow afternoon, and I'll be leaving again Wednesday morning, maybe Wednesday afternoon." For those of you that can't use a calendar, that's three nights. Same as every other pass. No extra time. Not even a day. And he doesn't have to be back at work till Sunday night.

And then there's the money. Over a year ago, he made an agreement with me to pay me back some money from when we were together before. Since that day, I've seen about a fifth of the total. At first, it wasn't a big deal, he was barely making expenses with the job he had. But, now that he's activated, he's making expenses. And he's spent the entire amount he owes me at least twice over, buying a new rifle, new toys for his car, DVD's, computer parts, lunch out for his friends, etc. Now, I don't know about any of you, but that makes me feel pretty damn disregarded and taken advantage of. Here I am with expenses and bills to pay, and he's spending money on toys rather than paying me back. I bring it up once in a while (less than once a month), asking when he'll pay me back, or commenting about a new toy he's bought, and he always gets real defensive and pissy. He's generous enough while he's here, buying meals out and going shopping and all, but getting him to pay me back, rather than just spend money, is like pulling teeth, and I'm no dentist.

I'm not going to give him ultamatums, or withhold sex or cuddles, or pull any stupid games, because that isn't what our relationship is about. So far, these issues I'm bitching about aren't a "deal-breaker," they're just really annoying.

So far.
posted by Katherine at 10:31 PM

 
It's a hard thing to find out, after 26 years, that the person you think you are is not the person that you seem to be.

In the last three months, I've had four different people close to me tell me that they have major issues with who I am and how I treat them. Not only that, but that they've tried to tell me this, but I haven't listened or heard, and that they've given up trying to tell me.

When you're trying to change your life, that isn't easy to hear. It's hard to be told, by the people who you trust to tell you true, that your friends can't talk to you, and stopped trying ages ago.

Ironic, though, that I'm getting depressed by trying to cure my depression.
posted by Katherine at 11:21 AM

 
"This planet has--or rather had--a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much all of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of them were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy."

So wrote Douglas Adams (may he rest in peace). I've been thinking about money a lot recently. Mostly because I don't have any. Being in college full time without a job will do that to you I've noticed.

Right now, my mother is supporting me, which means she feels she gets to run my life. This is not condusive to a low-stress environment. Neither is having to call her every month and ask for money, and then justify every penny of it.

So, partially as a consequence of this situation, I've started counting down. Counting down to Spring of 2005, which is (if all goes well between now and then) when I graduate from Portland State University with a Bachelors of Science in Physics.

So the new and improved $25,000 question is: "What is Katherine going to _DO_ with her life when she gets her degree?"

The answer is: Katherine has no idea what she wants to be when she grows up.

You see, physics fascinates me. With the sole exception of nuclear/quantum/particle physics, it all fascinates me. Optics, solid state, electronics, acoustics, astronomy, education, teaching, fluids, metalurgy, material science.... The list just gets longer and longer. I'm 18 months from graduation and I haven't yet narrowed down what I want to do when I graduate. Should I go to grad school? In what? Should I get a job in industry? For the government? Doing what? Where? Decisions like this, ideally, should already be MADE when you're this close to graduation, and inquiries going out about applications for graduate school and/or jobs.

And now there's another complication. My boyfriend is going to be coming back from his deployment, probably sometime this spring, and starting _his_ college career. While we don't have plans for anything permanent, I think we're both assuming we'll still be together for a while yet, which means spacial compatability becomes an issue. If I'm doing graduate school in Southern California or working for NASA in Washington D.C., and he's doing his undergraduate in Alaska, where does that leave "us"? Neither of us want to limit the other's opportunities, but we also don't want to be too far apart. And, without any formal committment (we're neither of us ready for one right now), making compromises is difficult.

We've made it this far. Five years since we met, we've lived together, been engaged, been apart, matured as individuals, gotten back together... I'm sure we'll get through this. Maybe we won't be together once all the cards are dealt. Maybe we will. But either way, we'll get through it all. And, in the end, that's what matters.
posted by Katherine at 3:20 AM

 
Wow. I didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted here.

So. The sewing got done, the end was in sight, and the lady was pleased with her garb. Happy ending.

The feis was danced, I got 4th place in my Slip Jig, 5th place in my Single Jig, and 4th place in the Reel Trophy. For a first feis, that isn't half bad!! Not high enough that I have to worry about moving up in levels, and not so badly that I get discouraged.

So dance classes have started again. I hurt. I was bad and didn't do a lot of practicing this summer, so my leg muscles are not in good shape, and my shin-splints are acting up again. Pain sucks.

My friend Jay has moved in with me for a while, along with her four kitties. While I like having the five of them around, it's pretty stressful for all of us, since she's out of work, and I'm not used to sharing my space.

School starts Monday, and I'm all registered for fall classes at Portland State University. I've got sixteen credits of Physics classes this term, which is more than I wanted to take in a single subject, but half of them aren't offered but every two years, and the others are prerequisites for classes I need to take later this year. So, I get to deal. The good news is that, once I finish fall term, I'll be a SENIOR!!! Having spent 72 months as a sophomore in college, it's nice to be a Junior, but it'll be nicer to finally get to be a Senior.

My SCA life has been on hold, due to lack of money and lack of transportation. I got to go to 12th Night back in January, and then to Coronation in July. I might get to go to a couple of local things in the coming months, but no guarantees. It sucks. I was on a good track for awards and recognition, and since I've been scarcely around, I've dropped from people's vision. Ah, well. Maybe next year things will get better.

My honey is still at Umatilla, and I'm still seeing him about once a month, which isn't nearly as much as I'd like, but such is life when you are (or someone you love is) in the National Guard and get activated. He'd rather be overseas, doing something interesting and worthwhile, but I'm just as glad he stayed stateside, so I know he's safe, and I get to see him occasionally.

*ponders* What else is there....

Oh, yes. I had a party. For Fall Equinox. Had about a dozen people over, and we did a BBQ with burgers and random potluck dishes. It was nice, and I'm thinking of making it quarterly. For sure, I'll do something this Spring, since we're expecting that my love will be deactivated by the Spring Equinox, and what better reason for a party than his homecoming?

I'm sure there's more, but my tendonitis is acting up, so I have to stop typing. If you're very good (or very bad), I'll type more later.
posted by Katherine at 11:33 PM

 
*yawns* Five hours of sewing so far today, and the end is not yet in sight. Two dresses done, one cut but not yet sewn, and three not even ready to cut. The kicker? They need to be out of my posession and to the person to whom they belong in less than 12 hours. I've had the fabric for nearly two months, but didn't even lay out the first dress until midday yesterday.

Dance is going well, but I'm starting to get really nervous about feis. It's only two weeks away, I still haven't gotten my hard shoes, and I've never competed in anything non-academic before. My instructor seems to think I'll do fine, but that doesn't stop the nerves, especially since I've never been to a feis before, so I've only got second-hand information to go by. I am registered, for reel, slip jig, single jig, light jig, and treble jig. I haven't gotten my steps for the hornpipe, nor have I learned a traditional set, so I can't enter those. Maybe I'll have them for the feis in October, we'll see.

All I need to do is get through the next sixteen hours or so, then life gets a whole bunch easier, and my boyfriend comes to visit me (he's finally got a longish pass from the National Guard). I'd start counting the hours (or even the minutes), but that would just be depressing.
posted by Katherine at 4:34 AM